On 1st September, our girl was placed on my chest and life hasn’t been the same since. My heart has doubled, tripled, quadrupled in size! We are completely in love with our little lady and I wanted to take some time to introduce her on here too.
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind, so magic and special and absolutely FILLED with anxiety. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so many emotions, to care for a little person so much. To Google so many questions! So, so many questions. I hope my Google search history is never made public.
I’ve tried to take in and enjoy every minute of the first weeks of her life. I’ve taken more photos than I can count – so many candid snaps, carefree images that I know I’ll never be able to look at without crying! I said to Jord the other day “I wish I had taken more videos, she’s already changed so much!” and he said “I don’t think it’s too late, she’s only three weeks old…” which is… yeah, true.
Her arrival in to the world wasn’t an easy one, I still struggle with the mix of emotions I feel when I think about the day she was born but ultimately, she’s here and she’s healthy and happy. I am forever grateful for the wonderful team who looked after both Dahlia and I, especially the midwives who went above and beyond.
Somehow, it’s already been four weeks since I went in to labour, the days a blur of getting to grips with a whole new way of life!
I feel like a new version of myself; this raw, tender and softer me. I never knew how I would be as a mum, I wasn’t sure I would ever feel maternal, to be able to care so selflessly about another human, but here we are.
I chose the name Dahlia after a conversation with my own mum years ago, it was one of the last times we spoke. She was already quite unwell and had already almost entirely lost her voice to Motor Neurone Disease by that point, so conversations with her were difficult but sacred all the same. It was one of those mundane, everyday chats that has stuck with me for years, although it was such a fleeting moment that could have easily been forgotten.
When I told Jord about the name, he loved the story and meaning behind it – and when we found out our girl was due during Dahlia season, it felt like fate!
Even though my mum never got to see me as a mum, I know she would be so proud of me… and so, so smitten with Dahlia! I think about that a lot.
The first few weeks with our girl haven’t been as bewildering as I expected, just a happy, hazy time with many, many emotions!
I had so many wobbles at the start, especially around day 4 and 5 when the baby blues really kicked in. I had this realisation that I would never not be a mum again, like my whole identity had changed. Of course, now when I have that same thought it feels joyful and reaffirming, but the postpartum hormones are a trip! I cried so much those first few days, and most of those tears were for very silly reasons!
I’m thankful that I still feel like myself, I’ve seen my friends since becoming a mama and I care about the same things I always did. It was my ultimate goal to be able to do the same things I’ve always done, but with a little one in tow – and I hope I’m always able to keep that up. Dahlia has already been out with us for a girl’s lunch and behaved appropriately – the best thing about going out with a group of people now is that you can finally eat with your hands free! So many aunties willing to hold her while mama avoids getting indigestion for once.
In terms of what I share online, I think it’ll be a bit of a trial and error situation to get the balance right. I’m still working out the boundaries I want to set, and I find that these days I want to share a lot less online in general. I’ve always loved sharing my life with you all so I hope I can find a way to keep posting updates, and I hope you’ll stick around while I try to find what works for me. I’ve grown up on these pages and I want to be able to share some of this next (very special!) chapter with you all too – here’s hoping I can figure it out!
Thanks for the lovely, lovely messages over the last few weeks, it really has been such a blissful time and the wonderful messages from mamas (and mamas to be!) around the world have kept me company during the night feeds. I love the support and camaraderie that comes with being a mum, it’s such a wild experience and it totally unites you, and for that I’m incredibly grateful.
Lots of love,