Reflecting on a tough year…
Oh, 2019! You have done a number on me, let me tell you. I have been through it all this year, and yet somehow when I look at these photos, I feel a strange sense of fulfilment. It hasn’t all been bad (although yes, the bad parts have been some of the worst of my life), I’ve had some really wonderful moments this year and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved in spite of everything that has come my way.
From my unexpected hospital visit and operation on my wrist after falling and breaking the bone, the recovery time and the plans I had to cancel, to my health scare with my cervix, being diagnosed with CIN2 (abnormal cells) and having a procedure to have them removed. I lived a life throughout this too, I found joy in unexpected places, I became closer to my friends and my family, I travelled and worked and I shared a lot of it with you guys too.
Over the last couple of years I had been quietly dealing with my mums illness and in October, she passed away with my dad by her side. I live every day with regrets, with unimaginable sadness and a lot of guilt, but I know she is at peace now.
I still can’t believe that I will be going in to 2020 without my wonderful mum, it still hurts even to think about a life without her. I loved her endlessly and there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t feel her loss.
I struggled a lot with anxiety this year, especially around the time we filmed series two of Scotland’s Home Of The Year. I was away from home for a month, I knew my mum was coming to the end of her life and I was constantly worried if I should go back to New Zealand or not. I have existed in limbo for the last year, never knowing when I would suddenly be called back – but never wanting to book a trip back too soon either. Anyone who has lost someone to a terminal illness will know this feeling of living in a suspended reality, you never know if you should enjoy your life or put everything on hold – and I can tell you now, whatever you choose will feel like the wrong decision later.
This sounds ridiculous when I try to explain it, but I know how much work goes in to the planning of Scotland’s Home Of The Year; we tour the country for weeks at a time – the judges, the sound and film crew, the producers and the director. Back in the office, the team sort hotels, travel plans, ferries (seven ferries in ten days!) – it’s a crazy job. I felt anxious that I might have to leave at any moment, but I suffered through it alone. It was just too difficult to find the words.
I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about what I was dealing with, and then I ended up having a panic attack while we were filming. It was a lot.
I’m so proud of the show, I love the team and I think of them as family… but that was a truly awful time. Looking back I was not coping well, but I made it through it – somehow. I am stronger than I feel, clearly!
I don’t want this roundup to be full of despair, but I need to acknowledge that it was an incredibly tough year and then move on. I want to remember this year in strengths and achievements…
MY YEAR IN HIGHLIGHTS…
01. I went away twice with my girl gang again this year to a little cottage that has farm animals, a sauna and a hot tub. We do a summer getaway and a Christmas getaway and I can honestly say I’m never happier than when I’m on these trips! We drink prosecco in front of the fire and spend the evenings chatting rubbish in the hot tub, what a life! Jordan and I also went to Mallorca (one of my favourite places!) with our best friends Mikey and Kristy back in July and it was the best holiday I’ve ever had. I came back after a week of sun and sea feeling revived and relaxed.
02. We had our yearly visit to New Zealand in April and it was a really special trip, my little brother and his wife had just had their first baby, a girl named Zoey, and it was the last time my family were all together before my mum passed. The last memories I have with my lovely mum. It was a very difficult visit as her illness, Motor Neurone Disease, had progressed by then and she was very unwell, but I will treasure those few weeks with her forever. The weather was beautiful, we spent a lot of time with our extended family and we celebrated my amazing dad’s 60th birthday too.
03. Admittedly I feel like I lost my way with work this year, it’s been so hard to share life moments when it’s been all doom and gloom. I’ve always been a very private person, I love to use social media to share the rosy parts of my life – so when things aren’t going so well, it’s hard to find motivation at all.
Saying that, I’ve had a wonderful year full of incredible partnerships – including renewing my contract with my favourite skincare brand Origins, as well as my ambassadorship with Marc Jacobs Daisy (eep!!), as well as a trip to New York and a long-term campaign with Bobbi Brown, a makeup brand I have loved forever! I also worked with Olivia Burton to create some of my most loved content ever.
I’ve juggled some incredible campaigns, felt immense pride seeing my work come to life and built an even stronger relationship with my readers. There’s so many of you I talk to every single day, and that really makes me feel so incredibly loved.
04. In April, Scotland’s Home Of The Year aired on BBC Scotland, we filmed this in Summer 2018 and to see it finally being televised was unreal. My friends all gathered at our place to watch it and they were all so proud, I was in New York at the time but I watched as everyone shared pictures of me on the TV!
I’ve had millions of messages from you guys telling me how much you love it, which is crazy because I just had no idea how it would turn out. None of us did! The feedback and the ratings surpassed my wildest dreams, and in June we found out the show had been recommissioned for a second series! We filmed it in August and September this year and it will hit screens in Spring 2020. I never thought I’d ever do anything like this, and it’s honestly been amazing to be part of something so special.
A FEW PERSONAL GOALS…
01. I aimed to bring my blog back to life this year and I really think I’ve done it! It’s been my main platform and I’ve been regularly uploading every month. I’ve truly loved the content that I’ve produced for my blog this year and I feel like you guys are leaving comments and sharing the love too. Here’s to more of that next year!
02. This time last year I was out of my fitness routine and I didn’t know how to get back in to it. A few days later a personal trainer at my gym got in touch about training with him and I’m pleased to say I’ve stuck with it. I have a session with him at 8am three times a week and it’s a part of my routine I could never give up, although I did have a lot of set-backs with my operation on my wrist and then the procedure on my cervix (I couldn’t train for months after either of these!), and then the time I took off to go back to New Zealand. Still, it’s been a constant in my life that I’ve really relied on and I’m so happy to start back with my PT again next week.
03. My goal for this year was to find another project, and that happened in the Spring when we bought a second property to renovate. Admittedly it’s been a much longer job than I expected thanks to the many rough patches this year, but I’m excited to see it all come together in 2020. It has always been my dream to renovate another tenement flat and it feels wonderful to be able to share it all with you too!
04. This was the year I let my guard down and allowed myself to become closer to my loved ones. I tightened my circle but fully embraced my best friends, opening up to them and letting them support me through the difficult times. I was at home more this year and I think that helped relationships to bloom, and I feel so proud of the friends that I have. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful support unit, and most of my happiest times this year were memories I made with my best friends.
MY RESOLUTIONS unwrapped…
This year I had quite a few resolutions that I knew I’d tick off; like adding to my ear piercings (hello Tash Rook and daith!), shopping less and getting more organised in all areas of my life. I had more of a routine with work, I felt happier with the content I was producing and asserted myself more too.
I was present more, I spent more quality time with my family, Jordan and my friends. I had breaks from social media when I needed to, I dealt with negativity better and I worked smarter instead of harder.
I also went to a gig abroad (Bad Books in Brooklyn), shared more personal updates on my blog, and got back in to a fitness routine. All manageable goals, but still ones I feel proud of for achieving.
MY TOP FIVE READS…
I had a goal in mind to read more books this year, and also keep track of them all too! I started using my Goodreads account, and I’ve really fallen back in to love with reading.
I’m currently on my 27th book (Ordinary People by Diana Evans) and I’ve got a big stack of books that I’m hoping to read next year too. Here’s a few that stuck out this past year…
01. Three Women by Lisa Taddeo – a tough but incredible read following the real lives of three women from different backgrounds as they share their stories of love, heartbreak and sexuality.
02. Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton – a wonderful memoir that any woman in her 20s and 30s can relate to.
03. Daisy Jones and the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid – one of my favourite discoveries this year was TJR! This is the varying accounts of a rock band on tour in the 60s, it’s filled with scandals and secrets.
04. Expectation by Anna Hope – another brilliant book that explores friendship, love and growing older.
05. The Tattooist of Auschwitz by Heather Morris – I read this in two sittings, it was such a powerful story!
MY 2019 IN NUMBERS…
57; flights I took this year
10; places I visited this year including to two new countries, Mauritius and Jamaica.
47,889; minutes of music I listened to on Spotify
220; photos I posted to Instagram
26; the number of books I read
…AND A FEW MORE FAVOURITE MEMORIES!
Visiting New York with Jordan for the first time since we got married there // working with some of my favourite brands // buying my first (vintage) Chanel bag // doing a beach clean with L’Occitane // having my dream shelves built in the living room // going on holiday with our best friends to Mallorca // celebrating eight years with Jordan // building an engaged audience that I adore! // visiting Venice for the first time // meeting my delicious new niece Zoey // holding an event with Bobbi Brown & meeting some of you! // visiting Waiheke Island with Jordan and Matthew // buying the new flat // trips away with my BFFs // spending some time with my dad in New Zealand // celebrating my birthday with my loved ones // relaxing in Jamaica with Jordan // filming SHOTY // every summer day I spent in the park with my friends
A final note…
The end of the year is hard, and the end of a decade is even harder! I want you to know that whatever you have achieved, even if it’s not as much as you had hoped, even if you just managed to scrape by, that is enough. As I get older my hopes and goals change, I no longer celebrate just the big successes, I aim to make memories, to feel happier and be a person my loved ones are proud of.
I always want to thank you for your ongoing support, your messages, comments and thoughtful words have got me through some of the hardest days of my life this year, and for that I’m forever grateful!
Here’s to waving goodbye to 2019 and welcoming in 2020! Let’s make it a good one xo.